Isolating Voices

[Fern]

You all know my story already. Untreated with voices (especially) for forty years while surviving my family and then raising my sons alone. I got help after I came to #thevillage and saw such examples of strength and honesty, I was inspired. I'm so glad!

I've been asked how I survived voices for so long and I've never really detailed it. I've said, "I learned to block them out." That's the short version. Don't worry, the long version isn't that much longer. In my mind, I put up a plexiglass wall between the voices and me. They always seemed to be off to my right. The main voice yelled into my right ear. So I put the wall up and I could see him pounding on it to get my attention. I could hear the sound of his fists on the wall dimly, hear his voice muted a lot. Couldn't hear the others at all. What I saw was out of the corner of my eye and I convinced myself I was making it up eventually. As I got older, the wall got thicker, as though I added layers to it as each year passed.

While all that helped enormously, NOTHING helped more than something I was aware of even when they started at 15 years old. I knew beyond doubt the voices were not external beings, but rather part of my own mind somehow, for some reason, persecuting me. I wish I could tell you I had positive voices, too. I did not. I used to cling to the knowledge that it was from my own mind, low self-esteem gone horribly awry - that's what I told myself at first when I got terribly frightened my parents would find out - and illness mixing together. As I got older, I no longer had to cling to it. It was just fact and had to be accepted so I could deal with life and move on with it. It is what it is.

Take care,
Fern

[node]

I don't hear voices, but at times (long ago) I would feel persecuted by music (with lyrics) that tended to repeat in my mind. I won't get into whether that was an internal or external voice, but I felt trapped by the music and wanted a way out.


A tactic that I picked up (or something I observed) was that any increase in the intensity of the music came about by my own response. So, if I tried to contend with the music and defend myself, it intensified. If I let it go on it's own, it petered out. It was a method of trying to find the silence in the cacophony. It was also a way of tyring to practice not giving a shit, as I too have always been of the mind that this was not an external being, rather detritus of my own mind. I see that your 'wall' is similar. I perfected this technique and now am not bothered by this phenomena any more. Might sound trite, but I've found this wisdom repeated elsewhere.


From 'The Secret of the Golden Flower':

The terms stopping and seeing basically cannot be separated. They mean concentration and insight. Hereafter, whenever thoughts arise, you don't need to sit still as before, but you should investigate this thought: Where is it? Where does it come from? Where does it disappear? Push this inquiry on and on over and over until you realize it cannot be grasped, then you will see where the thought arises. You don't need to seek out the point of arising any more. Having looked for my mind, I realize it cannot be grasped.' 'I have pacified your mind for you.'

[Fern]

That's brilliant and it does sound very similar. I'm so glad you were able to find your way out from under that music problem. I know how much music means to your peace of mind. Thanks for taking the time to respond and opening up.

[staf]

thanks tim and fern for your honest insights, one thing that i do now and again is to treat the voices as just background conversations and noise that you would get from a tv ., like imagine your self on the computer with the tv on at the back of the room turned up as just background noise, so you are at the computer chatting,surfing, looking up news, and at the same time in the back of you room, in the back of your head , is the tv on. just background noise with a sense of atmosphere, random sounds random words that aren't directed at anyone just sound waves going through the air as atmosphere.

[Fern]

That's really great, staf. That you're able to separate yourself so entirely from the effect of the voices is a real gift. I especially like how you say the background noise has a sense of atmosphere. It makes me think of the television shows having different genres. I do take your point that the sound waves are simply going out into the atmosphere, though. They can do what they need to do without you getting involved in the process. I like that idea very much. Thank you!