Grief and Anxiety

[lena]

Hi everyone,
I am bipolar with sza.  I lost my husband in July.  I moved out of the city and now live by myself in the country.  I find it very hard to deal with human interaction, especially men.  I have trouble checking out my groceries when the cashier is male, nor can i go to a male teller to do my banking, and i can't even get gas filled for my car (cause all the attendants are male).  
The minute i encounter a male i start feeling unsafe, paranoid and indecent.  I literally wear 3-4 tops when i go out but regardless I have these intense panic attacks.  I don't know what to do about this anxiety and fear.  I live alone so I have to fend for myself.  Some days I go without stuff i need because i feel paralyzed.
I know i am grieving and miss my husband tremendously but I really cant be taking any more valiums to get thru the day.  I sometimes take 120mgs in a day, in addition to drinking.  I am also a recovering meth addict and am scared that its getting out of hand.
I would appreciate anyone giving me advice on how to cope with this kind of anxiety and phobia.
thx
lena

[CCB]

It sounds like you've developed an almost PTSD like reaction to your husband's death. This anxiety and your reaction to men sounds like a classic PTSD reaction, though I'm not sure I can make the connection between the two for you. I'm not sure what the anxiety exactly is about, but I empathize. I have had similar reactions to men in the past when I was really triggered by a trauma. Is there anything you have done in the past that has helped with anxiety? The one thing I do with anxiety is the more you avoid the thing you're anxious about, the more the anxiety increases. So avoidance isn't probably the answer.
I'm sorry you are going through this and wish I had better advice, but if you figure out WHY you're this anxious about men maybe you'd be able to come up with a solution.

[lena]

Thanks CCB.  
I am trying to put it together but can't seem to focus on much.  I have too many things running around inside my head.  I've never had this sort of anxiety so I am a bit lost.
I appreciate your advice and will let you know when i find out what is going on with me.
Hugs
lena

[Fern]

lena honey, CCB nailed a bunch of important points, but one stands out to me: the more we avoid the trigger, the bigger the trigger becomes for us. It becomes overwhelming to consider even approaching the trigger - in this case men in general.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this on top of your loss this summer and just trying to wrap your head around that kind of grief. I can't imagine what that does to one's heart. So please understand me when I say I can to a certain degree relate to what you're feeling now insofar as having men as a trigger. I am not in any way minimizing your personal pain and experiences. We're different to be sure, but many of us can share a certain understanding of issues.

Do you have a good friend who could take a few hours a week to run errands with you? If she stood by your side, let you clutch her hand or arm as you had the big teller window between you and the bank teller, the car between you and the gas station attendant, you might each week get a little closer to being able to deal with these things. Do you tell yourself you're safe, you're perfectly decent, that no one wishes you ill? Please do. You *are* safe, you *are* decent, and *no one* wishes you ill.

Are you able to let your son and maybe Basim help you in any way? It's just a question, not a reproach. It's probably not a good idea to stay totally alone while you're dealing with these traumatic feelings, honey. I'm not suggesting you need someone around 24/7 to mind you, but having someone there sometimes is a good idea. It helps get us out of our heads, out of our bubbles, out of the rampant horrible thoughts that perpetuate the trauma.

But most of all, I wish you only good things, lena. I hope you know you can get in touch with any number of us privately and talk this out real time in chat, too. [hugs] and love, sweetie.